What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 04:14
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
Comes on , in middle age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why is the Middle East prone to terrorism?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Can I use the LEG PRESS to build muscle?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What do you do to make yourself sleep early?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What is it like to date a women 20 years younger than yourself?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Who then, do I blame.?
So whats the point in blame.
I was seconnd youngest,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why is the band Nickelback unliked so much?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why does Rahul Gandhi have so many haters?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What toxic behavior has been normalized by society?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I will be 64.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Would this be the day?
As i do to all so called friends.?
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She married twice! .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
She found it foreign!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I write beautiful poetry .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My life is so biszare .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I have no regrets .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was very sick at this time too.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
I could never make a relationship work though!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Was to survive, this bastard.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im still living with it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I said to her
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!